Tag Archives: emotional abuse

Why Me? Healing From Emotional and Physical Abuse

I spent an awful lot of the early part of my life feeling like a victim – wondering why people chose to do bad things to me, if there was some invisible ‘Hurt Me’ sign on my forehead that only the abusers could see but I couldn’t find when I looked in the mirror, and thinking I must have been bad – or that I somehow deserved the abuse – but this post isn’t about me – and it’s for sure not about the abusers – it’s about finding healing and it’s for anyone reading this who has ever sat with their head in their hands and tears in their eyes, with a broken heart and spirit and asked, “Why me?”

How Many Times Have You Asked, “Why Me?”

Abuse often starts in childhood and leads to self-abuse

The really crushing thing about abuse, especially abuse that starts in childhood, is that it puts you in a victim’s mentality and keeps you there.

Children – and the innocent part in all of us really – tend to blame themselves for everything, so even if logically, you know you did nothing wrong to deserve what was done to you, you internalize the feeling that you deserved, and continue to deserve it.

This victim’s mentality leads you to make self-abusive decisions (on a subconscious level) that keep you in a state of pain and failure, but it doesn’t have to be that way.

With work, effort, and persistence, you can change the way you think and the results life hands you.

Healing From Emotional and Physical Abuse

Recognize that the abuse was NEVER about you! 

While it’s easy to say the abuser did ‘this’ to you, because on the face that’s what happened, abusers are human, too – and if they are hurting others, it is because they are hurting or lacking and they see something in you that they want to take from you to fill the void in themselves.

(By the way – NO – I do not mean you should forgive them – that’s not my call and it’s a completely different topic, really.)

Don’t wait for them to come back and apologize, or to recognize what they’ve done to you – chances are it will never happen and if you wait for it, you will remain a victim of whatever they did to you for the rest of your life.

Put the abuse behind you

Recognizing that the ‘bad thing’ the abuser did was about the abuser’s inadequacy, and nothing else, not something you caused or deserved, sets you free to move ahead and begin healing so you can be free of the evil that was dropped on you.

Letting something someone did to you hold you back, like an invisible set of shackles, lets them win; it means they actually did manage to take from you what they sought to steal, and no abuser deserves to win.

Learning to value the person you see when you look in the mirror can take a lot of work if you are starting from a victim’s vantage point.

You can expect to have good days followed by occasional setbacks, but doing things to build your confidence and self-esteem, like creating affirmations, reading books on positivity or self-help books, or even finding a good counselor to help you work through he past can help you say goodbye to the mindset that you deserved the abuse and that you are worthy of enjoying the type of life you want to live.

Accepting Emotional Abuse Blocks Your Ability to Build a Happy Life

If you’re here on Intrinsic Vicissitude to learn about building a better, happier life, but you are also in an emotionally abusive relationship, you already know first-hand that the title of this post is true – but did you also know you have choices and do not have to remain a victim of this type of emotional manipulation?

Accepting emotional abuse takes away your joy and stops you from growing as a person. It gives the person bullying you all the power and wraps the victim in a shroud of stress and fear.

What is Emotional Abuse?

Emotional abuse is a type of relationship bullying that typically uses verbal abuse and manipulative, spirit-crushing tactics to control the victim. It does not leave the same physical signs as domestic violence, but it is a serious form of domestic abuse.

Living with emotional bullying leaves the victim angry, and afraid. Happiness cannot exist, much less grow in a soil made up of anger and fear.

How to Stop Being Bullied by a Loved One

First of all, if someone is bullying you – that is not a person who loves you. It is a person who wants to control you, and that has nothing to do with love or affection.

  • If you or a loved one are dealing with this type of victimization, recognize your own role in it – in that by accepting it you allow it to continue.
  • Educate yourself on codependent relationships.
  • Seek counseling.
  • Keep a journal if you can keep your bully from reading it and using it as a tool to bully you more.
  • Do whatever you have to do to get stronger so you can have the life you want and deserve.

You can learn more about identifying emotional abuse on the Dr. Phil website, or reading a book on codependency, such as Why Women Pick Losers and Jerks or Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself.

Why Women Pick Losers and Jerks

This is a review of a book that was personally helpful to me. It’s called, Why Women Pick Losers and Jerks by Jim Hedges.

Click here to buy this book!

I’m sharing it here because understanding your pain can be the key to building a better life.

I got this book when I was looking for answers – after spending over 20 years stuck with a guy I had nothing in common with, who enjoyed lying and taking things, and who, seriously, I couldn’t stand.

At the same time, I felt stuck – trapped – like there was no hope whether I was with him or not – and I didn’t understand why I couldn’t break away.

I would ask myself every day – usually several times a day, why I stayed with the jerk – sometimes I used words a lot nastier than jerk.

I had truly loved the man at first – but just like a weed – love can be killed if you stomp on it enough times.

Reading this book gave a name to my pain, it let me see that I was codependent – how I got that way – and even gave me a direction to turn for the next phase of my life.

My life didn’t change overnight – took me a lifetime to get so broken – will take some time to fix – but it helped me start healing.

It showed me that I wasn’t powerless and I could choose to have the life I want. It let me see that a troubled childhood had left my self-esteem damaged, but that it didn’t have to define my life story.

I liked the tone that was used to write the book – like a chat with a good friend, and the real life examples of women who, like me, had picked losers and jerks – for the same reasons.

I wasn’t alone! My reactions, clinging to a doomed relationship- normal!

This book is perfect for identifying what happened and what you need to do to get your life back on track after a relationship with a loser or a jerk.