Accepting Emotional Abuse Blocks Your Ability to Build a Happy Life

If you’re here on Intrinsic Vicissitude to learn about building a better, happier life, but you are also in an emotionally abusive relationship, you already know first-hand that the title of this post is true – but did you also know you have choices and do not have to remain a victim of this type of emotional manipulation?

Accepting emotional abuse takes away your joy and stops you from growing as a person. It gives the person bullying you all the power and wraps the victim in a shroud of stress and fear.

What is Emotional Abuse?

Emotional abuse is a type of relationship bullying that typically uses verbal abuse and manipulative, spirit-crushing tactics to control the victim. It does not leave the same physical signs as domestic violence, but it is a serious form of domestic abuse.

Living with emotional bullying leaves the victim angry, and afraid. Happiness cannot exist, much less grow in a soil made up of anger and fear.

How to Stop Being Bullied by a Loved One

First of all, if someone is bullying you – that is not a person who loves you. It is a person who wants to control you, and that has nothing to do with love or affection.

  • If you or a loved one are dealing with this type of victimization, recognize your own role in it – in that by accepting it you allow it to continue.
  • Educate yourself on codependent relationships.
  • Seek counseling.
  • Keep a journal if you can keep your bully from reading it and using it as a tool to bully you more.
  • Do whatever you have to do to get stronger so you can have the life you want and deserve.

You can learn more about identifying emotional abuse on the Dr. Phil website, or reading a book on codependency, such as Why Women Pick Losers and Jerks or Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself.

Why Women Pick Losers and Jerks

This is a review of a book that was personally helpful to me. It’s called, Why Women Pick Losers and Jerks by Jim Hedges.

Click here to buy this book!

I’m sharing it here because understanding your pain can be the key to building a better life.

I got this book when I was looking for answers – after spending over 20 years stuck with a guy I had nothing in common with, who enjoyed lying and taking things, and who, seriously, I couldn’t stand.

At the same time, I felt stuck – trapped – like there was no hope whether I was with him or not – and I didn’t understand why I couldn’t break away.

I would ask myself every day – usually several times a day, why I stayed with the jerk – sometimes I used words a lot nastier than jerk.

I had truly loved the man at first – but just like a weed – love can be killed if you stomp on it enough times.

Reading this book gave a name to my pain, it let me see that I was codependent – how I got that way – and even gave me a direction to turn for the next phase of my life.

My life didn’t change overnight – took me a lifetime to get so broken – will take some time to fix – but it helped me start healing.

It showed me that I wasn’t powerless and I could choose to have the life I want. It let me see that a troubled childhood had left my self-esteem damaged, but that it didn’t have to define my life story.

I liked the tone that was used to write the book – like a chat with a good friend, and the real life examples of women who, like me, had picked losers and jerks – for the same reasons.

I wasn’t alone! My reactions, clinging to a doomed relationship- normal!

This book is perfect for identifying what happened and what you need to do to get your life back on track after a relationship with a loser or a jerk.


Tips on Personal Organization

I recently received a free, digital copy of a book on organizing in exchange for a review on Amazon.

I liked the book so much, I decided to share it here, too. It is called Getting Organized: Best Tips for a Less Stressful Life.

Getting organized can play a key role in changing your life story, if disorganization is a problem, so if chaos surrounds you, the tips in this book can make a huge difference as you work on getting organized.

Here is what I liked especially about the book:

  • It included tips for different areas of everyday life. I especially enjoyed the tips on organizing finances, because that is an area I find so many people struggle with – and the tips are easy to add to a daily routine, which makes them even more brilliant and excellent.

The book provides tips on many different aspects of everyday life, and that can make it hard to follow, but if you decide to read it, I recommend that you take the time to book mark the parts that pertain to your life, so you can refer back to them, because they are based on the author’s real life experience and she offers tips on implementing them, to make it easy for readers to do the same.

Have You Used Up All Your Options?

“When you have exhausted all your possibilities, remember this: You haven’t”

-Thomas Edison

Never feel like you’re alone in your suffering if you’re having a tough day. We all have them – some of us – more than others perhaps – but we all have days that make us want to go back to bed and hide.

I’m having one of ‘those’ days today – where nothing seems to go right, so I’m speaking to you from a low spot – and I could complain – boy could I ever complain – – but I truly believe putting something positive out there is the best first step.

If you’re having one of ‘those’ days right now, don’t give up. Look for the positive in it – and know that the positive thing you have to reach for may be very, very tiny, but if you look you can find something good.

If nothing else comes to mind, look at the simple beauty of a leaf – just make sure it isn’t poison ivy before you touch it. (You don’t want to end up with a new set of problems on top of the ones you already face.)

Just remember, it may seem as if you have tried everything, and you have used up all your options – exhausted all your possibilities – but there’s going to be another way.

  • Take a step back.
  • Take a deep breath.
  • Close your eyes.
  • Focus on something else for a while.
  • Unleash your creativity, and, if you have to…
  • Fake it until you make it.

Take it All Off

I recently finished reading a really unique and helpful eBook by an author named Betsy Talbot. I was lucky enough to pick it up via a BookBub promotion.

The book was called Strip Off Your Fear: Radiate the Confidence Within.

The book exceeded my expectations because it used a fun stripper example all the way through to provide examples of how to boost your self esteem and learn to love yourself.

I felt it was a perfect book to review here, because what can be more instrumental to rewriting your life – and tapping into your intrinsic vicissitude – than a boost in self esteem?

Talbot used the stripper example in the sense of taking off your clothes to examine the exposed sensitive areas underneath – including negative self-talk, and fears about self worth and even about life in general.

The part of the book that I found the most helpful, was the direct manner the writer used to talk about “how” self esteem gets damaged, “why” it stays that way, and then offered mental exercises to help move to the next phase of a better sense of self esteem.

If you would like to check out this (in my opinion) awesome eBook, here is a link so you can easily jump over to Amazon:

I liked it so much I’m now reading another of Betsy Talbot’s eBooks – this one co-authored with her husband, Warren, The Step by Step Guide to Getting Rid of It: Eliminate the Clutter in Your Life (also an Amazon offering if you’re interested in decluttering your life while you rewrite it).

Let Your Heart Guide You Through Uncertainty

“Faith means living with uncertainty – feeling your way through life, letting your heart guide you like a lantern in the dark.”

-Dan Millman

So often in life, when we are sinking in uncertainty, it is not really caused by the fact that we don’t know what to do or what we really feel or believe – because the truth is we usually do know.

The uncertainty comes from a fear of change – or a lack of commitment to the path we’ve chosen that stems from a fear of change – either way – the uncertainty comes from hiding from what we know in our hearts we’re meant to do.

If you’re facing something that fills you with uncertainty right now – look deeper inside yourself – you might not WANT to admit it to yourself or anyone else – but deep down you know what you need to do.

The place where the quote about faith meaning uncertainty comes into this is – if you’re feeling uncertain about something – but you know deep down what you need to do – then you need to have the faith to do that hard thing – if you want the uncertain feeling to go away.

Otherwise, the uncertain feeling will stay inside of you – and THAT doesn’t do anyone any good.

Set the Wheels in Motion

Not happy with where you are? Feeling stuck? Almost everyone gets bogged down at one time or another. So, what can you DO about it?

  • Take some time to reflect – how long is up to you – on what your main goal is.
  • If you have a lot of things you want to change, it can feel overwhelming, thinking of changing your life, so just pick one thing to make your goal.
  • Once you get that goal set in your mind, write it down, or if it’s to get a material object, better yet – get a picture and place it where you will see it at least twice a day.
  • Let yourself experience the emotions you will feel when you attain the goal – let your mind make it real. This is called emotionalizing something – and it is a very effective, powerful psychological tool used by many wildly successful people throughout history.
  • Take a breath before you go on – then pick one thing you can do each day to work toward your goal. It doesn’t have to be big, in fact, sometimes it’s best if you slip in easy to test the water instead of just going for it big time.
  • Take time every day to re-emotionalize your goal – twice a day is best – once when you first get up, and once at bedtime – but – if you miss it – just do it when you can.
  • Don’t expect perfection as you begin this change process, perfection is a nice goal, but being human, it isn’t easy to attain.
  • Add doing something positive each day to your goal emotionalizing and beginning tasks. This can be something artistic or creative that you enjoy, or sharing the techniques for goal setting and setting the wheels in motion to rewrite a life story.

Putting something positive out there in the world is such a  great way to energize yourself and others! Don’t look at it as a burden because it doesn’t drop money, or whatever your goal is, in your lap. It’s about positivity for positivity’s sake.

This blog is my attempt at sharing positivity with the world – though I do not always remember to post daily – or on any kind of schedule – I guess I need to follow my own advice more closely – and make it a habit to share more positive things here.

A final note: you’ll end up profiting from your positivity in economic ways, sometimes you won’t, but always you will benefit from the experience of sharing goodness and light with others.

Thanks for reading, and if you would like to share your goals or the positive things you do each day, you are, as always, welcome to share in the comments section below.

The Apple and the Seed

What if you look at it another way – as a symbol of – well – life.

Have you ever really looked at an apple and considered its role in the grand scheme of life?

It’s just a piece of fruit, right?

The Apple

The flesh of the apple is beautiful, delicious (if you like apples), and somewhat perishable – just like the bodies we live in – full of energy and things that make each of beautiful and special (no matter what the empty-headed Barbie-bully-twits who don’t have the capacity to look past the apple think).

The Seed

But just like people, you’ve got to look deeper to find the true magic of an apple. The magic lies in the seed. It doesn’t seem like it right off – I mean – you can’t really eat it. Some folks say it’s actually poison. It isn’t pretty. And even the bit of protective layer around the seed, in the apple’s flesh, is pretty nasty if you bite into it with its unpleasant texture.

The Magic

But still, the seed is where the magic is. Let it dry and drop it in the dirt, somewhere it won’t get trampled or mowed, and in a few years, it starts to produce more apples, each beautiful and delicious as the first apple that provided the donor seed, and each with the potential to create thousands – millions – more apples.

Imperfections? No!

Will each apple be perfect and beautiful – no – insects get some – bad weather sucks the perfection out of some – some just get denied of the light they need. It’s the same with people, we were each born to be beautiful and amazing, but life can kick the sh!t out of you, and leave you messed up.

Our bodies are just the apple – our spirits and potential – those are our seeds.

Choose what kind of seeds you want to plant, let them bear healthy fruit, and try to look at yourself  and others with loving eyes that recognize the true beauty of each spirit and each person you encounter.

Trust Yourself and Your Dreams

One of the hardest things to do can be believing in yourself and that you are on the right path even if things seem harder than you think they should.

“Self-trust is the first secret of success, the belief that if you are here, the authorities of the universe put you here, and for cause, or with some task strictly appointed you in your constitution, and so long as you work at that you are well and successful. It by no means consists in rushing prematurely to a showy feat that shall catch the eye and satisfy spectators. It is enough if you work in the right direction.”

– Ralph Waldo Emerson, We Are the Builders of Our Fortunes

If you have found your goal, and are working to make it happen, to make your dreams into reality, then have faith in what your heart and your intuition tell you.

If you have found your path yet, and you just feel like where you are is… wrong… know that each step you take on the path you are currently on, is part of your learning process, a place you need to be in order to end up where you are destined to go. Nothing is wasted or lost unless you let an attitude of waste and loss take over.

Thanks for reading, 


Mind Over Matter


Mind is the Master power that moulds and makes,

  And Man is Mind, and evermore he takes
The tool of Thought, and, shaping what he wills,
Brings forth a thousand joys, a thousand ills:—
He thinks in secret, and it comes to pass:
Environment is but his looking-glass.”

-author: James Allen: As a Man Thinketh

Overlook the “olde” English, as you read today’s quote, a poem by author James Allen about the power of your mind on your body and your life.

It might sound like a new age concept, thinking yourself well or ill, based on the type of thoughts you allow to dwell in your mind, but the poem was first published in 1902.

If you have time to enjoy a charming read, crafted in “olde” English, you should read the full text of Mr. Allen’s wonderful summary of using mind over matter in one’s life. 

Rewrite your life story

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